Rose: Since this morning, it’s terror inside me, and I know what it is. I don’t want to let go. Of control.
EJ: So who is it… you say, “I don’t want to let go of control.” First of all, Is there any evidence of this, the feeling you call terror? That feeling which proves a someone, “I am afraid to let go.”
Rose: It’s really the thought, and then the feeling comes.
EJ: The thought, “I am afraid to let go.”
EJ: Good. And you wake up with that thought? You come out of deep sleep, and the first thing you’re aware of is the thought, “I’m afraid?” or is the first thing you’re aware of the gripping?
Rose: The gripping.
EJ: So the gripping appears, it’s felt, and then the thought comes, “I’m afraid to let go of control.” The thought is trying to interpret the feeling?
EJ: Okay. So the gripping feeling, is that old or new?
Rose: Very old.
EJ: So there’s the gripping feeling and a voice saying, “I am afraid to let go.”
EJ: And don’t you experience “something” which hears or perceives that voice?
Rose: Something hears the voice.
EJ: Good. And the voice itself, I am afraid to let go. Is that a someone? Or is it a voice that’s being heard?
Rose: A voice that’s being heard.
EJ: So what happens when you grip onto the energy, and you automatically mix your attention, your consciousness with that voice?
Rose: Um hmm, yes, that’s what happens.
EJ: And then you also mix your attention with that energy. That gripping feeling.
EJ: Then what happens after that?
Rose: I have no connection with awareness and I become that. I’m just in terror. I become that, I become what I’m afraid of.
EJ: It may be that you believe and feel that you become that, but let’s see if it’s true you DO become that. If that’s what you are.
Because if it’s truly what you are, then it wouldn’t come and go, would it? It would be here always. It would be your continuous reference point. Like if you put on a Halloween costume, Little Red Riding Hood, and you “became” it as your reference point. It wouldn’t be “sometimes” but always, right?
EJ: But if used that as a reference point for 100 years and then one day you found out “No, that’s not me,” you realized you never were the costume or that role. Would it ever have been true, you were that?
EJ: You may have had the experience, and believed you were that, but you never actually were that.
EJ: So let’s see if it’s true you “become” the terror, or if you just believe or assume that. You’re feeling the gripping right now?
Rose: I feel it in my throat and then down to my belly. Like a chute.
EJ: Alright. Are you sitting in a chair right now?
EJ: So just for now the energy of gripping is being felt. And how intense it is? From 1-10.
EJ: As best you can, just for now, see—because you believe that gripping energy is inside you. Whatever you believe you are. Like do you believe that energy is happening inside you, and that you are the body?
EJ: So as best you can, notice you’re holding in your consciousness, the idea of you as an image of your body. You’re holding in mind, a memorized image of the size, shape, the outline of the shape of the body. Right?
EJ: Just for now, as best you can, let go the image and the feeling “I am a container of feelings and thoughts.” Visualize that shape, slowly falling apart. As if the outline of that body shape is made of segments… break-apart-able segments, like Tinker toys. So imagine that line, those segments, slowly falling apart and spreading out into the space all around it. Good?
EJ: Just take time and slowly let it spread apart, including the idea and image of “head.” Visualize and feel the image of head simply floating off into the empty space, and notice that whatever you are, is still here. Here, as the centered, aware, presence that perceives the body falling apart. See that you, the perceiving, isn’t falling apart. Do you feel that?
EJ: As best you can, totally give up any idea or feeling of “body.” Give it up, so there’s just the energy, doing whatever it’s doing… you feel it?
EJ: Let the energy be here, in this emptiness. Invite it to be as intense as it could be. And notice that the space, the emptiness in which it’s vibrating, is totally still, isn’t it?
EJ: Are you aware that you’re aware of this experience of energy?
Rose: [long pause] Yes.
EJ: And awareness isn’t located, is it? It’s not contained in any shape?
EJ: Is the awareness mixed up with the vibrating energy, the energy of gripping?
[long pause] What do you notice about the energy right now?
Rose: Very light. All that gripping faded, just faded away, went back to where it came from.
EJ: And the openness in which that all occurs, is the openness affected by that energy, coming, peaking, going?
EJ: So now see if you can find any evidence of a someone who is afraid to let go of control. Look as this open empty awareness. Look for a someone.
Is there a someone, or is there just the memory of a sound which was making that sound, “I’m afraid”?
Rose: No, that sound isn’t here anymore. Just a memory.
EJ: So that sound that was here, but is not here now… is that you?
EJ: And yet, whatever you are, are you here right now?
EJ: COULD that sound that came, and disappeared, could that ever be you?
EJ: Notice that the habit is to give that sound power when it presents itself. That the habit is to put on the costume that the sound suggests. The costume, ‘I am a someone who is afraid.”
Rose: Yes, that’s the habit.
EJ: But the sound can’t MAKE you dress up in the costume, can it?
Rose: That’s right, it can’t.
EJ: So just for now, acknowledge your freedom, that you, whatever you are, are so powerful and so free, that you can choose to put that costume on at will. But it cannot force you to! It can only audition for your power, but it cannot take it.
Rose: No. No. Yes, I see that.
EJ: Notice your freedom as well, when the energy of gripping comes, you have two choices. You can choose the old conditioning, the memorized tendency to grip on to it, to involve with it… but it can’t make you involve with it.
EJ: You can’t stop it from appearing. That’s a cosmic event. But can it make you involve with it? Can it make you invest your attention in it? Can it make you hold onto the idea and feeling, “I am a container of this feeling, and this feeling could destroy the container”?
EJ: So if it can’t make you identify with it, what are you? Are you that energy of gripping or are you whatever is registering it?
Rose: I am that.
EJ: Notice your freedom to choose to zoom out from the energy, to drop the memorized idea and feeling “I am a container,” and sense the openness. See if you can sense how serene and still this openness is. That it can totally allow for any gripping energy, that it isn’t concerned at all how long or how intense the energy has its life. Because the energy cannot make the openness grip. The openness is free.
Rose: Yes. I see that.
EJ: So if ever again a storm of energy, such as gripping, should arise again, where is your safety? To involve with it? To engage with it? To negotiate with it? To think?
EJ: Where is your safety?
Rose: My safety is in being that space in which it occurs. That stillness.
EJ: And no matter how intense the storm, so long as you willingly and consciously drop the feeling and idea that it’s happening in a body container, could you ever be unsafe?
EJ: The only way you could be seemingly unsafe is if you hold on to the story, “I am a container of thoughts and feelings.” But as soon as you willingly and also on a feeling level, drop that story, you’re safe. The energy is freed to vibrate itself out. It never was meant to be contained. The very nature of energy, or emotion, is E – that’s energy; —in motion. Not meant to be interrupted, contained, or battled with mentally. All of that is interfering. “Enter-fear-ing.” Instead, become the space and weather the storm.
EJ: But what if I can’t weather the storm?
Who is that voice talking to, or about?
Rose: The self … the idea of a someone … the body-mind container.
EJ: And you’ve experienced now, how to consciously and deliberately give it up—to give up the idea and feeling “I am a container.”
Rose: Yes. Thank you.
EJ: You’re welcome.